Taking the fall is it fear of the fall or something deeper.

After a great day climbing out in the Peak district I find myself reflecting on the events of the day and not only the day but my whole short climbing career.

Over the last few weeks I have taken a good number of falls while attempting to onsite routes either above my grade or on rock type I just don't get to try very often and as the weeks go on not only am I less worried about taking a fall but finding myself to be happy about laughing at what has just happened.  This weekend was no exception.

Went off to Harborough rocks, a small dolomitic crag in the southern peak district, noted for polish and groups of kids top roping. Today though it was quiet, though no less polished. After soloing an un-nervingly polished VDiff and leading an over graded HS I decided enough was enough it was time to up the grade and take on something harder. I picked out an HVS called Jug, the crux section on which is no more than six meters.  I spied some gear from the ground and felt comfortable that a fall would be safe. After a couple of goes I managed to get to whats probably the crux, hanging off to small finger pockets and with sweaty fingers slipping out of their holds I managed to shout take just before coming off. As I fell the rock was a blur shooting upwards and before I knew it I felt the tug of my harness as the rock caught me and then the feeling of ground beneath my feat looking up to see my belayer looking down at me. We instantly started laughing, and I found my self back on the rock this time moving through the crux and topping out.

Later in the day I saw my friend Ander fall off whilst soloing Legs Over a 6m VS and I instantly jumped on and soloed the route, being told I must be mad for soloing after seeing Ander fall off it seconds earlier. In times gone by I would never and done this, I would never have soloed it either, I would never have soloed fall stop.

At the end of the day we took a trip to Black rocks, I'd never been there before but had seen an E1 in the guide book called Central Buttress Direct (E1 5a), I loved the look of it and it just spoke to me, my kind of route a bold slab. Ander warned me that Black rock routes had a sting in their tale. With the light dying I tied on and went for the lead (feeling a little pressure as I had suggested a quick earlier in the day and felt slightly obliged, no fault of anyone else I must add) Just getting off the ground was hard, I wanted to place gear in the first break but told there was no point - which there wasn't - I just wanted the comfort of knowing it was there. I made the first moves but they weren't quite right and lowered myself back down, looked at it again and had another final go. I made the moves this time and made my way to the next big break where I placed my first bit of gear at 7 meters. Moving up to the break with my borrowed cam I stood up made another quick mantle and faced the next section probably the crux, which was another big move up to another break, looking around there was a small side pull on a hollow flake but no smears lower down to get me started. I took a look down and saw the ledge below with my gear, an un-nerving site, it was a fall I didn't want to take, landing on the ledge could hurt. Searching around I found I could just reach the next break I just had to find the smear I could use to send me on my way, looking around I found what looked to me the only one at waist hight. I stood there thinking about the consequences, not in a deep meaningful way but with thoughts thats formed a background noise in my head. Hearing my friend telling me I have to just go for it, I accepted my fate and I reached up and went for the break, holding on I pulled up went for the smear, then the next and the next and then the mantle to the top of the E1 section, I had done it, all that was left was HVD climbing to the very top.

So where does this tale leave me, how is it I can now take the fall or take the risk in the first place? Do I fear the fall. Nick Dickson once told me that falling or a fear of falling wasn't my problem, maybe he was right. Is it the fear of the unknown of what is to happen at the end of the fall or the failure it means in terms of the route (not that falling is inits self a failure) The problem with falling is that it happens so quickly,  the point of actually falling merges with the end of the fall, its like a quantum leap, there is no time to be afraid. So maybe the fear of falling is at the start of the climb, before you actually start to climb. Once committed to the climb thats it, fall or not maybe the fear is dealt with leaving only the fear of failure. But as you climb the fear of failure isn't there in your mind as you make the moves to the top, your zoned in on the moves, only when the move is shaky and uncommitted is the fear creeping forward in your mind and that fear of falling you left back at the start of the climb starting to snap at your heals. Granted for some the fear of falling does hold them back from committing to that next move. But for me having read most of the Rock Warriors Way I find that the fear of falling isn't as strong as it used to be (learning to assess the risk has helped here I think), so maybe the fear is of not completing the route, which is in someways a fear of not completing a climb you've had your eye on, especially if its a good quality climb. Which as I think of it is more likely. So this leaves me with one final question, what brings about a change in ones personality that means that I can jump on a climb after taking a fall that was virtually to the ground, why did I laugh so much. These are questions for another day.